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He uttered the last words in a sort of exaltation. No one but you and one jade I have fallen in love with, to my ruin. But being in love doesnt mean loving. You may be in love with a woman and yet hate her. Remember that! I can talk about it gaily still. Sit down here by the table and Ill sit beside you and look at you, and go on talking. You shall keep quiet and Ill go on talking, for the time has come. But on reflection, you know, Id better speak quietly, for herehereyou can never tell what ears are listening. I will explain everything, as they say, the story will be continued. Why have I been longing for you? Why have I been thirsting for you all these days, and just now? (Its five days since Ive cast anchor here.) Because its only to you I can tell everything; because I must, because I need you, because to-morrow I shall fly from the clouds, because tomorrow life is ending and beginning. Have you ever felt, have you ever dreamt of falling down a precipice into a pit? Thats just how Im falling, but not in a dream. And Im not afraid, and dont you be afraid. At least, I am afraid, but I enjoy it. Its not enjoyment though, but ecstasy. Damn it all, whatever it is! A strong spirit, a weak spirit, a womanish spiritwhatever it is! Let us praise nature; you see what sunshine, how clear the sky is, the leaves are all green, its still summer; four oclock in the afternoon and the stillness! Where were you going? I was going to fathers, but I meant to go to Katerina Ivanovnas first. To her, and to father! Oo! what a coincidence! Why was I waiting for you? Hungering and thirsting for you in every cranny of my soul and even in my ribs? Why, to send you to father and to her, Katerina Ivanovna, so as to have done with her and with father. To send an angel. I might have sent any one, but I wanted to send an angel. And here you are on your way to see father and her. Did you really mean to send me? cried Alyosha with a distressed expression. Stay! You knew it! And I see you understand it all at once. But be quiet, be quiet for a time. Dont be sorry, and dont cry. Dmitri stood up, thought a moment, and put his finger to his forehead. Shes asked you, written to you a letter or something, thats why youre going to her? You wouldnt be going except for that? Here is her note. Alyosha took it out of his pocket. Mitya looked through it quickly. And you were going the back-way! Oh, gods, I thank you for sending him by the back-way, and he came to me like the golden fish to the silly old fishermen in the fable! Listen, Alyosha, listen, brother! Now I mean to tell you everything, for I must tell some one. An angel in heaven Ive told already; but I want to tell an angel on earth. You are an angel on earth. You will hear and judge and forgive. And thats what I need, that some one above me should forgive. Listen! If two people break away from everything on earth and fly off into the unknown, or at least one of them, and before flying off or going to ruin he comes to some one else and says, Do this for mesome favour never asked before that could only be asked on ones deathbedwould that other refuse, if he were a friend or a brother? I will do it, but tell me what it is, and make haste, said Alyosha. Make haste! Hm! Dont be in a hurry, Alyosha, you hurry and worry yourself. Theres no need to hurry now. Now the world has taken a new turning. Ah, Alyosha, what a pity you cant understand ecstasy. But what am I saying to him? As though you didnt understand it. What an ass I am, what am I saying: Be noble, oh, man! who says that? Alyosha made up his mind to wait. He felt that, perhaps, indeed, his work lay here. Mitya sank into thought for a moment, with his elbow on the table and his head in his hand. Both were silent. |
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