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The Confession of a Passionate Heart-in Anecdote I was leading a wild life then. Father said just now that I spent several thousand roubles in seducing young girls. Thats swinish invention, and there was nothing of the sort. And if there was, I didnt need money simply for that. With me money is an accessory, the overflow of my heart, the framework. To- day she would be my lady, to-morrow a wench out of the streets in her place. I entertained them both. I threw away money by the handful on music, rioting, and gipsies. Sometimes I gave it to the ladies, too, for theyll take it greedily, that must be admitted, and be pleased and thankful for it. Ladies used to be fond of me: not all of them, but it happened, it happened. But I always liked side-paths, little dark back- alleys behind the main roadthere one finds adventures and surprises, prises, and precious metal in the dirt. I am speaking figuratively, brother. In the town I was in, there were no such back-alleys in the literal sense, but morally there were. If you were like me, youd know what that means. I loved vice, I loved the ignominy of vice. I loved cruelty; am I not a bug, am I not a noxious insect? In fact a Karamazov! Once we went, a whole lot of us, for a picnic, in seven sledges. It was dark, it was winter, and I began squeezing a girls hand, and forced her to kiss me. She was the daughter of an official, a sweet, gentle, submissive creature. She allowed me, she allowed me much in the dark. She thought, poor thing, that I should come next day to make her an offer (I was looked upon as a good match, too). But I didnt say a word to her for five months. I used to see her in a corner at dances (we were always having dances), her eyes watching me. I saw how they glowed with firea fire of gentle indignation. This game only tickled that insect lust I cherished in my soul. Five months later she married an official and left the town, still angry, and still, perhaps, in love with me. Now they live happily. Observe that I told no one. I didnt boast of it. Though Im full of low desires, and love whats low, Im not dishonourable. Youre blushing; your eyes flashed. Enough of this filth with you. And all this was nothing muchwayside blossoms à la Paul de Kockthough the cruel insect had already grown strong in my soul. Ive a perfect album of reminiscences, brother. God bless them, the darlings. I tried to break it off without quarrelling. And I never gave them away. I never bragged of one of them. But thats enough. You cant suppose I brought you here simply to talk of such nonsense. No, Im going to tell you, instead of being ashamed. You say that because I blushed, Alyosha said suddenly. I wasnt blushing at what you were saying or at what youve done. I blushed because I am the same as you are. You? Come, thats going a little too far! No, its not too far, said Alyosha warmly (obviously the idea was not a new one). The ladders the same. Im at the bottom step, and youre above, somewhere about the thirteenth. Thats how I see it. But its all the same. Absolutely the same in kind. Any one on the bottom step is bound to go up to the top one. Then one ought not to step on at all. Any one who can help it had better not. But can you? I think not. Hush, Alyosha, hush, darling! I could kiss your hand, you touch me so. That rogue Grushenka has an eye for men. She told me once that shed devour you one day. There, there, I wont! From this field of corruption fouled by flies, lets pass to my tragedy, also befouled by flies, that is by every sort of vileness. Although the old man told lies about my seducing innocence, there really was something of the sort in my tragedy, though it was only once, and then it did not come off. The old man who has reproached me with what never happened does not even know of this fact; I never told any one about it. Youre the first, except Ivan, of courseIvan knows everything. He knew about it long before you. But Ivans a tomb. Ivans a tomb? Yes. |
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