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She loves her own virtue, not me. The words broke involuntarily, and almost malignantly, from Dmitri. He laughed, but a minute later his eyes gleamed, he flushed crimson and struck the table violently with his fist. I swear, Alyosha, he cried, with intense and genuine anger at himself; you may not believe me, but as God is holy, and as Christ is God, I swear that though I smiled at her lofty sentiments just now, I know that I am a million times baser in soul than she, and that these lofty sentiments of hers are as sincere as a heavenly angels. Thats the tragedy of itthat I know that for certain. What if any one does show off a bit? Dont I do it myself? And yet Im sincere, Im sincere. As for Ivan, I can understand how he must be cursing nature nowwith his intellect too! To see the preference givento whom, to what? To a monster who, though he is betrothed and all eyes are fixed on him, cant restrain his debaucheriesand before the very eyes of his betrothed! And a man like me is preferred, while he is rejected. And why? Because a girl wants to sacrifice her life and destiny out of gratitude. Its ridiculous! Ive never said a word of this to Ivan, and Ivan of course has never dropped a hint of the sort to me. But destiny will be accomplished, and the best man will hold his ground while the undeserving one will vanish into his back-alley for everhis filthy back-alley, his beloved back-alley, where he is at home and where he will sink in filth and stench at his own free will and with enjoyment. Ive been talking foolishly. Ive no words left. I use them at random, but it will be as I have said. I shall drown in the back-alley, and she will marry Ivan. Stop, Dmitri, Alyosha interrupted again and with great anxiety. Theres one thing you havent made clear yet: you are still betrothed all the same, arent you? How can you break off the engagement if she, your betrothed, doesnt want to? Yes, formally and solemnly betrothed. It was all done on my arrival in Moscow, with great ceremony, with ikons, all in fine style. The generals wife blessed us, andwould you believe it?congratulated Katya. Youve made a good choice, she said, I see right through him. And, would you believe it, she didnt like Ivan, and hardly greeted him? I had a lot of talk with Katya in Moscow. I told her about myselfsincerely, honourably. She listened to everything. There were tender words. Though there were proud words, too. She wrung out of me a mighty promise to reform. I gave my promise, and here What? Why, I called to you and brought you out here to-day, this very dayremember itto send youthis very day againto Katerina Ivanovna, and What? To tell her that I shall never come to see her again. Say He sends you his compliments. But is that possible? Thats just the reason Im sending you, in my place, because its impossible. And, how could I tell her myself? And where are you going? To the back-alley. To Grushenka then! Alyosha exclaimed mournfully, clasping his hands. Can Rakitin really have told the truth? I thought that you had just visited her, and that was all. |
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