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I saw the time approaching when I would be left alone of the party of unsound method. The pilgrims looked upon me with disfavor. I was, so to speak, numbered with the dead. It is strange how I accepted this unforeseen partnership, this choice of nightmares forced upon me in the tenebrous land invaded by these mean and greedy phantoms. Kurtz discoursed. A voice! a voice! It rang deep to the very last. It survived his strength to hide in the magnificent folds of eloquence the barren darkness of his heart. Oh, he struggled! he struggled! The wastes of his weary brain were haunted by shadowy images nowimages of wealth and fame revolving obsequiously round his unextinguishable gift of noble and lofty expression. My Intended, my station, my career, my ideasthese were the subjects for the occasional utterances of elevated sentiments. The shade of the original Kurtz frequented the bedside of the hollow sham, whose fate it was to be buried presently in the mold of primeval earth. But both the diabolic love and the unearthly hate of the mysteries it had penetrated fought for the possession of that soul satiated with primitive emotions, avid of lying fame, of sham distinction, of all the appearances of success and power. Sometimes he was contemptibly childish. He desired to have kings meet him at railway-stations on his return from some ghastly Nowhere, where he intended to accomplish great things. You show them you have in you something that is really profitable, and then there will be no limits to the recognition of your ability, he would say. Of course you must take care of the motivesright motivesalways. The long reaches that were like one and the same reach, monotonous bends that were exactly alike, slipped past the steamer with their multitude of secular trees looking patiently after this grimy fragment of another world, the forerunner of change, of conquest, of trade, of massacres, of blessings. I looked aheadpiloting. Close the shutter, said Kurtz suddenly one day; I cant bear to look at this. I did so. There was a silence. Oh, but I will wring your heart yet! he cried at the invisible wilderness. We broke downas I had expectedand had to lie up for repairs at the head of an island. This delay was the first thing that shook Kurtzs confidence. One morning he gave me a packet of papers and a photograph,the lot tied together with a shoe-string. Keep this for me, he said. This noxious fool (meaning the manager) is capable of prying into my boxes when I am not looking. In the afternoon I saw him. He was lying on his back with closed eyes, and I withdrew quietly, but I heard him mutter, Live rightly, die, die I listened. There was nothing more. Was he rehearsing some speech in his sleep, or was it a fragment of a phrase from some newspaper article? He had been writing for the papers and meant to do so again, for the furthering of my ideas. Its a duty. His was an impenetrable darkness. I looked at him as you peer down at a man who is lying at the bottom of a precipice where the sun never shines. But I had not much time to give him, because I was helping the engine-driver to take to pieces the leaky cylinders, to straighten a bent connecting-rod, and in other such matters. I lived in an infernal mess of rust, filings, nuts, bolts, spanners, hammers, ratchet-drillsthings I abominate, because I dont get on with them. I tended the little forge we fortunately had aboard; I toiled wearily in a wretched scrap-heapunless I had the shakes too bad to stand. One evening coming in with a candle I was startled to hear him say a little tremulously, I am lying here in the dark waiting for death. The light was within a foot of his eyes. I forced myself to murmur, Oh, nonsense! and stood over him as if transfixed. Anything approaching the change that came over his features I have never seen before, and hope never to see again. Oh, I wasnt touched. I was fascinated. It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that ivory face the expression of somber pride, of ruthless power, of craven terrorof an intense and hopeless despair. Did he live his life again in every detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that supreme moment of complete knowledge? He cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision,he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath The horror! The horror! |
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