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A wonderfully magnificent view! After a long night spent in cheerless, unprofitable thoughts which prevented him from sleeping, and seemed to intensify the darkness and sultriness of the night, Laevsky felt listless and shattered. He felt no better for the bathe and the coffee. Let us go on with our talk, Alexandr Daviditch, he said. I wont make a secret of it; Ill speak to you openly as to a friend. Things are in a bad way with Nadyezhda Fyodorovna and me a very bad way! Forgive me for forcing my private affairs upon you, but I must speak out. Samoylenko, who had a misgiving of what he was going to speak about, dropped his eyes and drummed with his fingers on the table. Ive lived with her for two years and have ceased to love her, Laevsky went on; or, rather, I realised that I never had felt any love for her These two years have been a mistake. It was Laevskys habit as he talked to gaze attentively at the pink palms of his hands, to bite his nails, or to pinch his cuffs. And he did so now. I know very well you cant help me, he said. But I tell you, because unsuccessful and superfluous people like me find their salvation in talking. I have to generalise about everything I do. Im bound to look for an explanation and justification of my absurd existence in somebody elses theories, in literary typesin the idea that we, upper-class Russians, are degenerating, for instance, and so on. Last night, for example, I comforted myself by thinking all the time: Ah, how true Tolstoy is, how mercilessly true!And that did me good. Yes, really, brother, he is a great writer, say what you like! Samoylenko, who had never read Tolstoy and was intending to do so every day of his life, was a little embarrassed, and said: Yes, all other authors write from imagination, but he writes straight from nature. My God! sighed Laevsky; how distorted we all are by civilisation! I fell in love with a married woman and she with me. To begin with, we had kisses, and calm evenings, and vows, and Spencer, and ideals, and interests in common. What a deception! We really ran away from her husband, but we lied to ourselves and made out that we ran away from the emptiness of the life of the educated class. We pictured our future like this: to begin with, in the Caucasus, while we were getting to know the people and the place, I would put on the Government uniform and enter the service; then at our leisure we would pick out a plot of ground, would toil in the sweat of our brow, would have a vineyard and a field, and so on. If you were in my place, or that zoologist of yours, Von Koren, you might live with Nadyezhda Fyodorovna for thirty years, perhaps, and might leave your heirs a rich vineyard and three thousand acres of maize; but I felt like a bankrupt from the first day. In the town you have insufferable heat, boredom, and no society; if you go out into the country, you fancy poisonous spiders, scorpions, or snakes lurking under every stone and behind every bush, and beyond the fieldsmountains and the desert. Alien people, as alien country, a wretched form of civilisationall that is not so easy, brother, as walking on the Nevsky Prospect in ones fur coat, arm-in-arm with Nadyezhda Fyodorovna, dreaming of the sunny South. What is needed here is a life and death struggle, and Im not a fighting man. A wretched neurasthenic, an idle gentleman. From the first day I knew that my dreams of a life of labour and of a vineyard were worthless. As for love, I ought to tell you that living with a woman who has read Spencer and has followed you to the ends of the earth is no more interesting than living with any Anfissa or Akulina. Theres the same smell of ignoring, of powder, and of medicines, the same curl-papers every morning, the same self-deception. You cant get on in the house without an iron, said Samoylenko, blushing at Laevskys speaking to him so openly of a lady he knew. You are out of humour to-day, Vanya, I notice. Nadyezhda Fyodorovna is a splendid woman, highly educated, and you are a man of the highest intellect. Of course, you are not married, Samoylenko went on, glancing round at the adjacent tables, but thats not your fault; and besides one ought to be above conventional prejudices and rise to the level of modern ideas. I believe |
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