‘But don’t you think, though,’ hinted I, ‘that the sculptor, whoever he was, carved the laugh too much into a grin—a sort of sardonical grin?’

‘Well, that’s as you take it, sir. But see—now I’d wager a guinea the Lord Mayor’s lady dipped her golden spoon into yonder golden-hued jelly. See, the jelly-eyed old body has slipped it, in one broad gulp, down his throat!’

‘Peace to that jelly!’ breathed I.

‘What a generous, noble, magnanimous charity this is! Unheard of in any country but England, which feeds her very beggars with golden-hued jellies.’

‘But not three times every day, my friend. And do you really think that jellies are the best sort of relief you can furnish to beggars? Would not plain beef and bread, with something to do and be paid for, be better?’

‘But plain beef and bread were not eaten here. Emperors, and prince regents, and kings, and field marshals don’t often dine on plain beef and bread. So the leavings are according. Tell me, can you expect that the crumbs of kings can be like the crumbs of squirrels?’

‘You! I mean you! stand aside, or else be served and away! Here, take this pasty, and be thankful that you taste of the same dish with Her Grace the Duchess of Devonshire. Graceless ragamuffin, do you hear?’

These words were bellowed at me through the din by a red-gowned official nigh the board.

‘Surely he does not mean me,’ said I to my guide; ‘he has not confounded me with the rest.’

‘One is known by the company one keeps,’ smiled my guide. ‘See! not only stands your hat awry and bunged on your head, but your coat is fouled and torn. Nay,’ he cried to the red-gown, ‘this is an unfortunate friend; a simple spectator, I assure you.’

‘Ah! is that you, old lad?’ responded the red-gown, in familiar recognition of my guide—a personal friend, as it seemed. ‘Well, convey your friend out forthwith. Mind the grand crash; it will soon be coming; hark! now! away with him!’

Too late. The last dish had been seized. The yet unglutted mob raised a fierce yell, which wafted the banners like a strong gust, and filled the air with a reek as from sewers. They surged against the tables, broke through all barriers and billowed over the hall—their bare tossed arms like the dashed ribs of a wreck. It seemed to me as if a sudden impotent fury of fell envy possessed them. That one half-hour’s peep at the mere remnants of the glories of the banquets of kings, the unsatisfying mouthfuls of disembowelled pasties, plundered pheasants and half-sacked jellies, served to remind them of the intrinsic contempt of the alms. In this sudden mood, or whatever mysterious thing it was that now seized them, these Lazaruses seemed ready to spew up in repentant scorn the contumelious crumbs of Dives.

‘This way, this way! stick like a bee to my back,’ intensely whispered my guide. ‘My friend there has answered my back, and thrown open yon private door for us two. Wedge—wedge in—quick—there goes your bunged hat—never stop for your coattail—hit that man—strike him down! hold! jam! now! now! wrench along for your life! ha! here we breathe freely; thank God! You faint. Ho!’

‘Never mind. This fresh air revives me.’

I inhaled a few more breaths of it, and felt ready to proceed.

‘And now conduct me, my good friend, by some front passage into Cheapside, forthwith. I must home.’