Lady Squeam. A hypocrite! a dissembler! Speak, young harlotry, speak, how?

Sir Jasp. Nay, then—O my head too!—O thou libidinous lady!

Lady Squeam. O thou harloting harlotry! hast thou done’t then?

Sir Jasp. Speak, good Horner, art thou a dissembler, a rogue? hast thou—

Horn. So!

Lucy. I’ll fetch you off, and her too, if she will but hold her tongue.

[Apart to Horner.

Horn. Canst thou? I’ll give thee—

[Apart to Lucy.

Lucy [to Pinchwife]. Pray have but patience to hear me, sir, who am the unfortunate cause of all this confusion. Your wife is innocent, I only culpable; for I put her upon telling you all these lies concerning my mistress, in order to the breaking off the match between Mr. Sparkish and her, to make way for Mr. Harcourt.

Spark. Did you so, eternal rotten tooth? Then, it seems, my mistress was not false to me, I was only deceived by you. Brother, that should have been, now man of conduct, who is a frank person now, to bring your wife to her lover, ha?

Lucy. I assure you, sir, she came not to Mr. Horner out of love, for she loves him no more—

Mrs. Pinch. Hold, I told lies for you, but you shall tell none for me, for I do love Mr. Horner with all my soul, and nobody shall say me nay; pray, don’t you go to make poor Mr. Horner believe to the contrary; ’tis spitefully done of you, I’m sure.

Horn. Peace, dear idiot.

[A side to Mrs. Pinchwife.

Mrs. Pinch. Nay, I will not peace.

Pinch. Not till I make you.

Enter Dorilant and Quack.

Dor. Horner, your servant; I am the doctor’s guest, he must excuse our intrusion.

Quack. But what’s the matter, gentlemen? for Heaven’s sake, what’s the matter?

Horn. Oh, ’tis well you are come. ’Tis a censorious world we live in; you may have brought me a reprieve, or else I had died for a crime I never committed, and these innocent ladies had suffered with me; therefore, pray satisfy these worthy, honourable, jealous gentlemen—that—

[Whispers.

Quack. O, I understand you, is that all?—Sir Jasper, by Heavens, and upon the word of a physician, sir—

[Whispers to Sir Jasper.