Con. A pretty endeavour, truly!

Heart. I have told her, in as plain English as I could speak, both what the town says of her, and what I think of her. In short, I have used her as an absolute king would do magna charta.

Con. And how does she take it?

Heart. As children do pills; bite them, but can’t swallow them.

Con. But, pr’ythee, what has put it into your head, of all mankind, to turn reformer?

Heart. Why, one thing was, the morning hung upon my hands; I did not know what to do with myself; and another was, that as little as I care for women, I could not see with patience one that heaven had taken such wondrous pains about, be so very industrious to make herself the Jack-pudding of the creation.

Con. Well, now I could almost wish to see my cruel mistress make the self-same use of what heaven has done for her; that so I might be cured of the same disease that makes me so very uneasy; for love, love is the devil, Heartfree.

Heart. And why do you let the devil govern you?

Con. Because I have more flesh and blood than grace and self-denial. My dear, dear mistress—’Sdeath! that so genteel a woman should be a saint, when religion’s out of fashion!

Heart. Nay, she’s much in the wrong, truly; but who knows how far time and good example may prevail?

Con. Oh! they have played their parts in vain already; ’tis now two years since the fellow her husband invited me to his wedding; and there was the first time I saw that charming woman, whom I have loved ever since; but she is cold, my friend, still cold as the northern star.

Heart. So are all women by nature, which maketh them so willing to be warmed.

Con. Oh! don’t profane the sex: pr’ythee, think them all angels for her sake; for she’s virtuous even to a fault.

Heart. A lover’s head is a good accountable thing, truly! he adores his mistress for being virtuous, and yet, is very angry with her, because she won’t be kind.

Con. Well, the only relief I expect in my misery is to see thee some day or other as deeply engaged as myself, which will force me to be merry in the midst of all my misfortunes.

Heart. That day will never come, be assured, Ned. But, pr’ythee, let me tell you how I avoid falling in love; that which serves me for prevention may chance to serve you for a cure.

Con. Well, use the ladies moderately, then, and I’ll hear you.

Heart. That using them moderately undoes us all: but I’ll use them justly, and that you ought to be satisfied with. i always consider a woman, not as the tailor, the shoe-maker, the tire-woman, the sempstress, and (which is more than all that) the poet makes her; but I consider her as pure nature has contrived her, and that more strictly than I should have done our old grandmother Eve, had I seen her naked in the garden; for I consider her turned inside out. Her heart well examined, I find there pride, vanity, covetousness, indiscretion; but, above all things, malice: plots eternally forging to destroy one another’s reputations, and as honestly to charge the levity of men’s tongues with the scandal; hourly debates how to make poor gentlemen in love with them, with no other intent but to use them like dogs when they have done; a constant desire of doing more mischief, and an everlasting war waged against truth and good-nature.