Lord Augustus (puffing a cigar) Mrs Erlynne has a future before her.

Dumby Mrs Erlynne has a past before her.

Lord Augustus I prefer women with a past. They’re always so demmed amusing to talk to.

Cecil Graham Well, you’ll have lots of topics of conversation with her, Tuppy. (Rising and going to him)

Lord Augustus You’re getting annoying, dear boy; you’re getting demmed annoying.

Cecil Graham (puts his hands on his shoulders)° Now, Tuppy, you’ve lost your figure and you’ve lost your character. Don’t lose your temper; you have only got one.

Lord Augustus My dear boy, if I wasn’t the most good-natured man in London—

Cecil Graham We’d treat you with more respect, wouldn’t we, Tuppy? (Strolls away)

Dumby The youth of the present day are quite monstrous. They have absolutely no respect for dyed hair. (Lord Augustus looks round angrily)

Cecil Graham Mrs Erlynne has a very great respect for dear Tuppy.

Dumby Then Mrs Erlynne sets an admirable example to the rest of her sex. It is perfectly brutal the way most women nowadays behave to men who are not their husbands.°

Lord Windermere Dumby, you are ridiculous, and Cecil, you let your tongue run away with you. You must leave Mrs Erlynne alone. You don’t really know anything about her, and you’re always talking scandal against her.

Cecil Graham (coming towards him L.C.) My dear Arthur, I never talk scandal. I only talk gossip.

Lord Windermere What is the difference between scandal and gossip?

Cecil Graham Oh! gossip is charming! History is merely gossip. But scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. Now, I never moralize. A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is invariably plain. There is nothing in the whole world so unbecoming to a woman as a Nonconformist° conscience. And most women know it, I’m glad to say.

Lord Augustus Just my sentiments, dear boy, just my sentiments.

Cecil Graham Sorry to hear it, Tuppy; whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Lord Augustus My dear boy, when I was your age—

Cecil Graham But you never were, Tuppy, and you never will be. (Goes up C.) I say, Darlington, let us have some cards. You’ll play, Arthur, won’t you?

Lord Windermere No, thanks, Cecil.

Dumby (with a sigh) Good heavens! how marriage ruins a man! It’s as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

Cecil Graham You’ll play, of course, Tuppy?

Lord Augustus (pouring himself out a brandy and soda at table) Can’t, dear boy. Promised Mrs Erlynne never to play or drink again.°