Cecil Graham Now, my dear Tuppy, don’t be led astray into the paths of virtue. Reformed, you would be perfectly tedious. That is the worst of women. They always want one to be good. And if we are good, when they meet us, they don’t love us at all. They like to find us quite irretrievably bad, and to leave us quite unattractively good.

Lord Darlington (rising from R. table, where he has been writing letters) They always do find us bad!

Dumby I don’t think we are bad. I think we are all good, except Tuppy.

Lord Darlington No, we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. (Sits down at C. table)

Dumby We are all in the gutter,° but some of us are looking at the stars? Upon my word, you are very romantic tonight, Darlington.

Cecil Graham Too romantic! You must be in love. Who is the girl?

Lord Darlington The woman I love is not free, or thinks she isn’t. (Glances instinctively at Lord Windermere while he speaks)

Cecil Graham A married woman, then! Well, there’s nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It’s a thing no married man knows anything about.

Lord Darlington Oh! she doesn’t love me. She is a good woman.° She is the only good woman I have ever met in my life.

Cecil Graham The only good woman you have ever met in your life?

Lord Darlington Yes!

Cecil Graham (lighting a cigarette) Well, you are a lucky fellow! Why, I have met hundreds of good women. I never seem to meet any but good women. The world is perfectly packed with good women. To know them is a middle-class education.°

Lord Darlington This woman has purity and innocence. She has everything we men have lost.

Cecil Graham My dear fellow, what on earth should we men do going about with purity and innocence? A carefully thought-out buttonhole is much more effective.

Dumby She doesn’t really love you then?

Lord Darlington No, she does not!

Dumby I congratulate you, my dear fellow. In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst, the last is a real tragedy! But I am interested to hear she does not love you. How long could you love a woman who didn’t love you, Cecil?

Cecil Graham A woman who didn’t love me? Oh, all my life!

Dumby So could I. But it’s so difficult to meet one.

Lord Darlington How can you be so conceited, Dumby?

Dumby I didn’t say it as a matter of conceit. I said it as a matter of regret. I have been wildly, madly adored. I am sorry I have. It has been an immense nuisance. I should like to be allowed a little time to myself now and then.