Lord Goring My dear father, if we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.

Enter Mabel Chiltern

Mabel Chiltern Oh!… How do you do, Lord Caversham? I hope Lady Caversham is quite well?

Lord Caversham Lady Caversham is as usual, as usual.

Lord Goring Good morning, Miss Mabel!

Mabel Chiltern (taking no notice at all of Lord Goring, and addressing herself exclusively to Lord Caversham) And Lady Caversham’s bonnets… are they at all better?

Lord Caversham They have had a serious relapse,° I am sorry to say.

Lord Goring Good morning, Miss Mabel!

Mabel Chiltern (to Lord Caversham) I hope an operation will not be necessary.

Lord Caversham (smiling at her pertness) If it is, we shall have to give Lady Caversham a narcotic. Otherwise she would never consent to have a feather touched.

Lord Goring (with increased emphasis) Good morning, Miss Mabel!

Mabel Chiltern (turning round with feigned surprise) Oh, are you here? Of course you understand that after your breaking your appointment I am never going to speak to you again.

Lord Goring Oh, please don’t say such a thing. You are the one person in London I really like to have to listen to me.

Mabel Chiltern Lord Goring, I never believe a single word that either you or I say to each other.

Lord Caversham You are quite right, my dear, quite right… as far as he is concerned, I mean.

Mabel Chiltern Do you think you could possibly make your son behave a little better occasionally? Just as a change.

Lord Caversham I regret to say, Miss Chiltern, that I have no influence at all over my son. I wish I had. If I had, I know what I would make him do.

Mabel Chiltern I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence.

Lord Caversham He is very heartless, very heartless.

Lord Goring It seems to me that I am a little in the way here.

Mabel Chiltern It is very good for you to be in the way, and to know what people say of you behind your back.

Lord Goring I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

Lord Caversham After that, my dear, I really must bid you good morning.