Jack I’m not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I’ll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr … with your invalid friend who has the absurd name.

Algernon Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.

Jack That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won’t want to know Bunbury.

Algernon Then your wife will. You don’t seem to realize, that in married life three is company and two is none.

Jack (sententiously) That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama° has been propounding for the last fifty years.

Algernon Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.

Jack For heaven’s sake, don’t try to be cynical. It’s perfectly easy to be cynical.

Algernon My dear fellow, it isn’t easy to be anything nowadays. There’s such a lot of beastly competition about. (The sound of an electric bell is heard) Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors,° ever ring in that Wagnerian° manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you tonight at Willis’s?

Jack I suppose so, if you want to.

Algernon Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.

Enter Lane

Lane Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.

Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and Gwendolen

Lady Bracknell Good afternoon, dear Algernon,° I hope you are behaving very well.

Algernon I’m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.

Lady Bracknell That’s not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together. (Sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness)

Algernon (to Gwendolen) Dear me, you are smart!

Gwendolen I am always smart! Aren’t I, Mr Worthing?

Jack You’re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.

Gwendolen Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. (Gwendolen and Jack sit down together in the corner)

Lady Bracknell I’m sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury.° I hadn’t been there since her poor husband’s death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite