Algernon Your brother is a little off colour, isn’t he, dear Jack? You won’t be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either.

Jack As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.

Algernon I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.

Jack I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.

Algernon Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.

Jack There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.

Algernon I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.

Jack Well, that is no business of yours.

Algernon If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. (Begins to eat muffins) It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbrokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Jack How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.

Algernon Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

Jack I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.

Algernon When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. (Rising)

Jack (rising) Well, there is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. (Takes muffins from Algernon)

Algernon (offering tea-cake) I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.

Jack Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.

Algernon But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.

Jack I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.

Algernon That may be. But the muffins are the same. (He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack)

Jack Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

Algernon You can’t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

Jack My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning° with Dr Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We cannot both be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be